How Baseball Can Help the Socially Awkward

I know what you’re thinking.  Why is someone so witty and intelligent in print claiming to be socially awkward? Well, this may come as a shock to many of my readers (all 2 of you), but I do not thrive in social scenarios. If you’re like me, you meet someone and you spend more time staring at your feet and fidgeting than you do talking. And eye contact?  What eye contact?  You avoid it at all costs.  However, my one saving grace has always been baseball, and now it can be yours too!  Let me explain…

When I meet someone for the first time I immediately place him or her in one of two categories. The “I eat, breathe, dream about sports” fan or the “who is Derek Jeter? What are these sports you speak of?” non-fan.  How, you ask, can I label someone just by looking at them?  I can’t.  I make this determination by showing off my tattoo and then gauging each person’s reaction.

My Tattoo:

This man made Tim Wakefield cry.  He must be the devil.

OK, so I don’t have a “Devil Aaron Boone” tattoo, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t considered getting one.  Anyway, I usually drop a line about sports at the beginning of a conversation, and if my counterpart takes the bait we become best friends.

So what does all this have to do with being socially awkward?  Good question.  Basically, I'm not a great at making conversation, and I am especially bad with people I don’t know very well. Baseball (and sports in general) provides me with a continuing and ever-changing topic of conversation.  When it comes to sports, there is always something new to talk about and I am always thrilled to discuss it.  In fact, once I start talking sports I don’t shut up. Gone is the impulse to stare at my feet and suddenly I stop fidgeting. It’s almost as if discussing sports transforms me into a properly functioning member of society. While I am passionate about other things as well, there are only so many times I can ask why the shooter on the Star Destroyer didn’t blow up the Tantive IV escape pod carrying C-3P0 and R2-D2. So what if there were no life forms on board? Did he not realize that droids exist?  Blowing up the pod would have destroyed the Death Star blue prints and any chance the Rebellion had at defeating the Empire. But I digress…

My point is, while other topics of conversation can be discussed to the point of exhaustion, every day brings new sports headlines and gives fans something fresh to talk about over dinner or at a party. Without sports, you may run out of topics to discuss and may be reluctant to bring up, yet again, how upset you are that Tolkien sent Frodo off to the Grey Havens at the end of the Lord of the Rings. This will most likely lead to an unintentional lull in the conversation, which is where baseball can save the day. Right before the pause in dialogue grows to an awkwardly epic size you say "Hey, did you catch the game last night?" and voilà, crisis averted.  So my advice to anyone who considers him or herself an awkward conversationalist: start watching baseball (or any sport for that matter). You’ll be surprised how quickly you will emerge from your socially awkward shell.  

I Mustache You a Question: Who Has the Best Facial Hair in the MLB?

Anyone who knows me knows that I like beards, and facial hair in general.  If I see someone with an awesome beard walking down the street, I will never not comment on it.  However, facial hair can go terribly wrong, and many times in Major League Baseball, it does.  So I am listing the best and worst beards (and mustaches) currently in baseball.  A lot of research went into this post (and by a lot of research went into this I mean absolutely no research went into this, I just watch way too much baseball).  So here we go...

The Best of the Best

OK, I am just going to get this out of the way now.  Brian Wilson's beard is fantastic, and has taken on a life of its own.  It has its own website and has launched Wilson to super stardom, which is good for us because we get hysterically awesome commercials like this one:

Johan Santana may be on the disabled list, but his beard is as healthy as ever.  I am not usually a fan of the goatee, but this one is just so well groomed and perfect.  So kudos to you Johan Santana, for knowing how to properly grow a goatee.

It is with a heavy heart that I include Jayson Werth's beard on this list.  Sadly, the National's right fielder shaved off his fantastic facial hair at the beginning of the 2011 season, but the beard will live on forever in my heart and the hearts of thousands of baseball fans across the country.

Carl Pavano is sporting a goatee for the 2011 season, but that is not what earned him a spot on my list.  Instead, it is the mustache that some deemed a "porn stash," which Pavano sported all last season, that places him here.  How, you ask, can such a simple mustache put Carl Pavano in the company of bearded greats like Brian Wilson and Jayson Werth?  Well, it is because most people would look downright creepy with that stache, and yet Pavano really pulls it off (or at least he does in my eyes).  So I believe he deserves some recognition for making the "porn stache" work, don't you?

Last but not least, Jason Varitek's simple stubble earns him a spot on my list.  If you look up the word beard in the dictionary, this picture will be there.  The beard is just full enough and perfectly groomed.  In my opinion, if you are looking to grow facial hair, model it after Tek's beard.

The Worst of the Worst

Cubs pitcher Chad Gaudin's beard is one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen. Did he use a ruler to create that straight line of facial hair?  Maybe he should use said ruler to measure the length of his beard...and then seriously consider shaving it.

Both these men, Diamondbacks pitcher Clay Zavada (left) and Brewers closer Josh Axford (right) seem to be channeling the facial hair of famous relief pitcher Rollie Fingers.  I hate to break it to them, but Rollie is the only one who can pull off the evil villain stache.

No one may ever know what relief pitcher Ryan Franklin was thinking when he grew this unkempt mess of chin hair, but one thing is for certain, it needs to go.  The facial hair does not look bad on him, but the beard definitely needs to be trimmed.

It kills me to say this because my love for Tim Lincecum is unyielding, but the mustache he grew during the offseason does not look good on him.  Maybe Tim was jealous of fellow teammate Brian Wilson's epic beard, so he decided to grow some facial hair of his own.  Well sorry Timmy, you may have been blessed with the ability to throw a wicked change-up, but you cannot grow a mustache.  Fortunately, Tim showed up to Spring Training sans facial hair.  When asked where his mustache went, Lincecum responded, "My dog licked it off."  That's one smart dog.

Lastly...I am not trying to hate on the Yankees here, but they all have the worst facial hair because they are not allowed to grow any!  (OK, they can grow facial hair above the lip, but beards are way more fun than mustaches, so its still disappointing).  Nick Swisher could still look like this and Johnny Damon would still be a caveman if the Bronx Bombers allowed bearded ballplayers.  So boo to the Yankees ownership for not allowing players to grow facial hair.

Honorable Mention

How could I not include Scott Spiezio and his infamous, red...what would you call this...a landing strip?  I don't know whether I love the beard (and I use that term rather loosely) or hate it, so I cheated and placed it in honorable mentions.  I am not a fan of the "landing strip" look, but he dyed it to match his team's colors, so that earns Scott some major points in my book.  Another reason Spiezio is only on the honorable mentions list?  Right now he is in the Atlanta Braves Minor League system.  I decided to only put current Major League players on my best and worst list, but Spiezio's facial hair is too great/bad to ignore.

Astros pitcher Brett Myers is another person who I was on the fence about.  His beard is a mixture of awesome and awful and I just cannot decide which list to place him on.  So once again, I am taking the easy way out and placing him on my honorable mentions list.

What do you guys think?  Are there people who should have made this list but didn't?  Is there someone on the "Best of the Best List" that should be on the "Worst of the Worst" list or vice versa?  Let me know! 

Forget New Era, the Best Cap for Baseball is the Salary Cap

First and foremost I want to apologize for the lack of entries since last October.  I was so happy that my wish/prediction for a Rangers vs Giants World Series came true, and so depressed that baseball season was over, that I stopped writing.  But now, Spring Training is in full swing (the pun was completely intended, I’m not gonna lie) and I am ready to spew my thoughts on the 2011 season.  Before I do that, I would like to post a rant about salary caps in Major League Baseball, don’t all jump for joy at once.  I am getting this out of the way before the season officially starts because thinking about it takes some of the joy out of watching the game.  Having said that, it is also something I feel I need to write about, so here we go…

A salary cap for MLB is an idea whose time has come.  A cap would benefit small market teams and their fans by creating a more balanced level of talent and competition.  The Yankees and Red Sox are two of the big market teams that have seemingly unlimited financial resources which make it difficult for less wealthy franchises to compete in the free agent market.  Worse, these smaller clubs often lose their best players to free agency because they cannot compete with the salaries offered by wealthier teams.  MLB’s salary cap should place limits on how much a player can be paid and how high a team’s payroll can be.  Although the Boston fan in me would love to see Albert Pujols playing almost any position in a Red Sox uniform, the baseball fan in me wants to see the Cardinals and other teams keep their top players.

Over the past decade, salaries for Major League Baseball players have increased exponentially, all starting with Alex Rodriguez and the Texas Rangers signing a groundbreaking multi-million dollar deal in 2001.  Now athletes say “hey, player X was given this amount of money and since I am at least as good as him, I deserve to get paid at least as much.”  I am going to risk sounding trite, and quote Jerry Maguire…everyone is saying “SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!”  No one wants to play for small market teams anymore because that is not where the money is.  As a result, fans of teams like the Padres and the Royals are suffering, and getting turned off to baseball, as their players depart for clubs with fatter wallets.

The absence of a salary cap means more than just an upset in the balance of power around the Majors.  In a time where most baseball fans are unemployed, just scraping by financially, or starting to recover from the recession, Major League Baseball players are demanding multi-million dollar contracts.  This is AMERICA’S pastime, and the disconnect between average Americans and ballplayers is upsetting.  Higher salaries equal higher ticket prices, which in turn means that many fans will not be able to afford tickets to games.  If ballplayers really care about what is best for the game of baseball and its fans, they will not demand such high salaries.  Until that happens, I have to say that no matter how much I truly love baseball, I am a little disappointed in its players.  Having said all that, nothing can ruin the wonderful feeling I get every March when I heard those two fantastic words for the first time: Play Ball!

My Postseason Musings aka I Want a Rangers vs Giants World Series

The 2010 American and National League Championship Series are, in my opinion, the most captivating postseason series Major League Baseball has had in years.  With the Phillies' Roy Halladay and the Giants' Tim Lincecum on the mound in game one of the NLCS (one of the greatest postseason pitching match-ups ever), it is impossible to predict which team will be victorious, but one thing is for certain, these two pitchers know how to make history.  Furthermore, the camaraderie and chemistry in Texas (i.e. the ginger ale celebration and the support the Rangers showed their manager) is what being a great team is all about and is a story that captivates fans and keeps people tuned in to playoff baseball.  While most people are predicting a repeat of last year's Phillies vs. Yankees World Series, neither team is a shoo-in for the title of repeat league champion.  Here is how I think the Giants can beat the Phillies and the Rangers can beat the Yankees:

(stats courtesy of http://espn.go.com/mlb/)

San Francisco Giants vs. Philadelphia Phillies:

After sweeping the Reds in the NLDS, most baseball enthusiasts are in agreement that nothing can stop the Phillies from going back to the World Series for the third year in a row.  I am not writing the Giants off that quickly, however, and believe that San Francisco has a decent shot at going to the World Series this year.  It is safe to say that the Giants have one of the best pitching staffs in all of Major League Baseball.  San Francisco's three main starters, Tim Lincecum aka The Freak (who, by the way, dropped an F-bomb on live TV twice in one week), Matt Cain, and Jonathan Sanchez, had an ERA of 1.23 in the NLDS, and Sanchez was the only one of those starters to give up an earned run to the Braves.  While the Phillies are definitely a better hitting team than the Braves were this season, Philadelphia only hit .212 with one home run against the Reds, whose starting three pitchers had an ERA of 3.94 in the regular season and 8.36 in the NLDS.  If the Phillies could not hit for power or average against the Reds rotation, how are they going to score runs against a much superior Giants staff, whose three NLDS starters had a combined regular season ERA of 3.21?  While the Giants, who batted .212 in the NLDS against the Braves, are not going to be hitting balls out of the park against the likes of Halladay, Hammels and Oswalt, they can play small ball to get base runners.  If leadoff man Andres Torres can bunt up the third-base line, a 34 year old, injured Polanco, might not be able to make a play.  Torres is a threat to steal bases and he can set up potential RBI situations for the big bats, Buster Posey and Pat Burrell.  With the three pitching match-ups planned for the first three games of the series, one run can mean the difference in each game.  Unlike in the steroid years of the past, the 2010 NLCS will be all about the pitcher and playing small ball.


  Texas Rangers vs. New York Yankees

A big question mark for the Yankees this year has been the team's starting pitching.  Their only consistent pitcher has been CC Sabathia, and while they swept the twins in the ALDS, the Texas Rangers offense is much more threatening than the anemic Twins lineup (one that was missing 2006 MVP award winner Justin Morneau).  With the fantastic pitching of Cliff Lee (who is undefeated in the postseason), and Cliff Lee Jr. (oh, I mean CJ Wilson), all the Rangers have to do is get Josh Hamilton, who batted .111 with no home runs in the ALDS, back to his pre-September form, and Texas is in good shape to blow the Yankees out of the water.  The question of how to get Josh Hamilton's bat back is an easy one to answer.  With Vlad Guerrero having a sub-par ALDS, batting .263 with no home runs and one RBI, Hamilton was not getting any pitches to hit. If a powerful bat follows Hamilton in the lineup, he will see better pitches, more strikes, and less junk.  No pitcher will want to pitch around the number three hitter, Hamilton, to get to the clean-up hitter if the number four batter is a threat to blast one out of the park.  The lack of good pitches to hit, combined with a month of sitting on the bench, left Hamilton with little hope of putting up big numbers in the Division Series.  Now that Hamilton has gotten the opportunity to warm-up, his bat should be all ready for the Championship Series against the Yankees.  What manager Ron Washington needs to do is rearrange the batting order so that his number three hitter is protected.  Move Guerrero, who is not hitting for power, down to the number six spot in the lineup, and move Ian Kinsler, who batted .444 with 3 home runs and 6 RBI in the ALDS, to the clean-up spot, with the always dangerous Nelson Cruz, who batted .400 with 3 home runs and 3 RBI, hitting fifth.  With those changes and a great pitching rotation, I believe the Rangers are unstoppable, even against an all-star lineup like the Yankees.

Humor(dor) the Skeptics, Bring in a Third Party

I have to apologize for the amount of time that has passed since my last post.  I went on vacation, I have been looking for a job, and quite frankly, I did not have that much to talk about.  Things were pretty uneventful in the world of Major League Baseball and everything was running smoothly.  However, while watching both the Red Sox vs Yankees and Giants vs Rockies on Friday night, two incidents occurred that gave me incentive to start blogging again. 

I will start with the near heart attack I suffered as Mike Lowell got hit in the face, and subsequently hit the dirt, while trying to field a ground ball that took a terrible hop.  The baseball gods need to give Lowell a break. The poor guy fought to get playing time the entire first half of the season, is only playing now because half the Red Sox starting lineup is on the DL, is retiring at the end of the year and is playing the last few games of his career.  Now he is sitting on the bench indefinitely along with the rest of the 2010 Red Sox, but hopefully he will be back in the starting lineup tonight or tomorrow.  Mike Lowell brings a lot to the table for the Red Sox.  He is definitely a better than average hitter and although his range in the field is not what it used to be, he gets the job done at first base.  The Red Sox need him right now.  Although it is unlikely that the Sox will be making the playoffs this year, they are not yet mathematically eliminated from securing the Wild Card, and I'm an optimist.  If this series with the Yankees is any indication, there is a slight pulse in the injury-ridden body that is the 2010 Boston Red Sox.  As the great (Yankee) catcher Yogi Berra once said, "It ain't over till its over."

Moving on.  All season there has been an interesting rumor circulating throughout the Major Leagues concerning the Colorado Rockies.  A rumor started by Giant's broadcaster Jon Miller in this interview: http://www.knbr.com/portals/3/podcasts/murphmac/0708jonmiller.MP3.  Due to the high altitude and thin, dry air in Denver, baseballs dry up and shrink, allowing them to travel greater distances, which in turn increases the home run frequency at the Rockies' home park, Coors Field.  To combat this, the Rockies began storing baseballs in a humidor in 2002 to moisten them up and weigh them down.  According to USA Today, the number of home runs and runs scored at Coors Field has greatly decreased since the beginning of the humidor era.  However, a rumor that the Rockies are using non-humidor balls in opportune moments is now being disseminated by many in baseball, including the San Francisco Giants.  The rumor states that the Rockies will mix non-humidor or "juiced" baseballs in with the mandated humidor balls and then use those "juiced" baseballs when they need to score runs in the later innings of a game.  At first I thought the rumor to be completely ridiculous, but I did some research nonetheless.  While I do not believe this rumor to be 100% true, this is what I have discovered: There is no third party responsible for putting all the baseball's in the humidor and then making sure only those baseballs are used in the game.  It is up to the Rockies organization to be honest and only use humidor balls, meaning it is only too easy for them to cheat.  Furthermore, according to the Rockies official web site, the team has hit 167 home runs this season and 103 of them have been hit at Coors Field.  While home field advantage could be one explanation for why the Rockies have hit 103 home runs at home and only 64 on the road, hitting almost twice as many home runs at home is quite an advantage.
What really makes this rumor worth talking about after an entire season is Friday night's Giants vs. Rockies game, which took place at Coors Field.  Tim Lincecum was pitching a perfect game into the 6th inning, when he gave up a bloop double to Seth Smith.  The Rockies knew that this lead-off double was probably going to be their one scoring opportunity, and according to the Giants, the Rockies attempted to score that run from second by giving Lincecum a "juiced" ball.  When Lincecum was thrown the new ball, he could tell something was wrong with it right away.  Take a look at this video where he throws the new ball back to the umpire and makes a comment about juiced baseballs.  Unfortunately I cannot embed the video, but you can check it out at this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StY_mGM-lU4

Lincecum is one of the most laid back guys in the game.  I have watched almost every single game he has ever pitched and, even on bad days, I have never seen him get visibly angry.  This is what convinced me, not that the Rockies are definitely cheating, but that Major League Baseball has to do something.  According to sportingnews.com, MLB umpires will be keeping a close eye on the all the balls that come in and out of the humidor, but is this solution enough?  To really eliminate the doubts people are having about the Rockies, a third party needs to take over the task of placing balls in the humidor and giving them to the umpires.  Until the Rockies have no control over the balls being used in their home park, speculation about whether or not they are cheating will continue.

Mike Lowell's Home Run and A-Rod's Lack Thereof

Hi, I'm the Baseball Girl, or Lori as some people like to call me.  Tonight, as I was watching the Red Sox / Indians game and yelling at my TV, I realized I have no one to talk to and no outlet to express my frustration, jubilation or any of the other myriad feelings I encounter on a daily basis while watching baseball.  So, I decided to start a blog.  Let's see what happens...

The subjects of this blog entry are Mike Lowell and Alex Rodriguez.  First, Mike Lowell made his return to the Red Sox lineup today, which made me a very happy camper.  Lowell is my favorite player in all of Major League Baseball (with Tim Lincecum a close second), if not for his playing ability, for his great personality and sportsmanship.  An injury to Kevin Youkilis, as well as injuries to the Sox entire Major League starting lineup (who are they, the 2009 Mets?), left Terry Francona with no choice but to start Lowell at first base only 2 days after Lowell's future with the Red Sox organization seemed unlikely (again).  As Mike approached home plate for his first at bat, the crowd gave him a standing ovation and what did Mikey do?  He hit the first pitch he saw over the Green Monster for a home run. 
This is what frustrates me.  Why is Lowell constantly on the chopping block?  Yes, I understand he has been injured and cannot really be an every day player, but he is still an above average hitter and not too bad in the field, so platoon him.  The Red Sox have so many injuries that they need someone like Lowell right now, and yet, they are still trying to get rid of him.  Hopefully that changed tonight.  He not only drove in what would turn out to be the game winning RBI, but he made some great defensive plays at first base.  Theo Epstein needs to keep this guy.  This is the last season of his contract and he already said he will most likely retire this year, so just let him play where he loves to play and where the fans clearly love to watch him play. 

Also, speaking of Epstein...really Theo?  Jarrod Saltalamacchia is the best you could do at the trade deadline?  The Red Sox needed a bullpen pitcher, not an injury plagued catcher...the team already has enough of those.  But I digress...

On to Alex Rodriguez.  He hit home run number 599 twelve days ago and now holds the record for the most time between home runs 599 and 600 (although the fact that he is even qualified to hold that record is impressive as only 6 other players in baseball history have hit more than 600 home runs).  So you know what I say?  Leave A-Rod alone.  Stop with this whole "Road to 600" BS and just let the guy play baseball.  Switching out balls before his at-bats and bringing up home run 599 over and over again is just distracting, not only for A-Rod, but for the entire Yankee team.  Now I am no Yankee fan, but I do like A-Rod and I have liked him since his days with Seattle.  I even have a theory about him that involves Star Wars, Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker, redemption, Scott Boras, and the Evil Emperor, but that's for another blog entry.  The point is, we have to let the guy play baseball.  He will eventually hit home run number 600.  Whether he does it tomorrow, 20 days from now or Sunday night when I am at the Yankees / Red Sox game (hint, hint...A-Rod, if you're reading this, hit it Sunday) he will hit number 600, so everyone should just back off. 

Last, but not least, I was reading Bill Simmons' article on ESPN.com's Page 2 today and he was explaining why the New England Sports Network's (NESN) ratings for Red Sox games have gone down this season.  One reason he gave was the large number of injured Red Sox, which goes without saying.  Unless you are a really die-hard fan, you are not going to watch a bunch of minor leaguers lose to the Kansas City Royals when you could be watching some other fabulous TV show like, oh, I don't know, America's Got Talent (that was sarcasm by the way.  I feel like I need to explain sarcasm for a while, until we get to know each other better).  Two other reasons Simmons listed for the decline were:

1) games have grown way too long over the past few years (almost every game is over 3 hours)
and 2) you never see a good old-fashioned fight anymore. 

Well, I think Simmon's should list the reasons why there is world hunger, violence in the Middle East, and global warming, because tonight, the night after I read his column, the Red Sox won a game in under 3 hours (it was 2:31 or so) and had a benches clearing brawl...so exciting! 

Until next time,

The Baseball Girl