How Baseball Can Help the Socially Awkward

I know what you’re thinking.  Why is someone so witty and intelligent in print claiming to be socially awkward? Well, this may come as a shock to many of my readers (all 2 of you), but I do not thrive in social scenarios. If you’re like me, you meet someone and you spend more time staring at your feet and fidgeting than you do talking. And eye contact?  What eye contact?  You avoid it at all costs.  However, my one saving grace has always been baseball, and now it can be yours too!  Let me explain…

When I meet someone for the first time I immediately place him or her in one of two categories. The “I eat, breathe, dream about sports” fan or the “who is Derek Jeter? What are these sports you speak of?” non-fan.  How, you ask, can I label someone just by looking at them?  I can’t.  I make this determination by showing off my tattoo and then gauging each person’s reaction.

My Tattoo:

This man made Tim Wakefield cry.  He must be the devil.

OK, so I don’t have a “Devil Aaron Boone” tattoo, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t considered getting one.  Anyway, I usually drop a line about sports at the beginning of a conversation, and if my counterpart takes the bait we become best friends.

So what does all this have to do with being socially awkward?  Good question.  Basically, I'm not a great at making conversation, and I am especially bad with people I don’t know very well. Baseball (and sports in general) provides me with a continuing and ever-changing topic of conversation.  When it comes to sports, there is always something new to talk about and I am always thrilled to discuss it.  In fact, once I start talking sports I don’t shut up. Gone is the impulse to stare at my feet and suddenly I stop fidgeting. It’s almost as if discussing sports transforms me into a properly functioning member of society. While I am passionate about other things as well, there are only so many times I can ask why the shooter on the Star Destroyer didn’t blow up the Tantive IV escape pod carrying C-3P0 and R2-D2. So what if there were no life forms on board? Did he not realize that droids exist?  Blowing up the pod would have destroyed the Death Star blue prints and any chance the Rebellion had at defeating the Empire. But I digress…

My point is, while other topics of conversation can be discussed to the point of exhaustion, every day brings new sports headlines and gives fans something fresh to talk about over dinner or at a party. Without sports, you may run out of topics to discuss and may be reluctant to bring up, yet again, how upset you are that Tolkien sent Frodo off to the Grey Havens at the end of the Lord of the Rings. This will most likely lead to an unintentional lull in the conversation, which is where baseball can save the day. Right before the pause in dialogue grows to an awkwardly epic size you say "Hey, did you catch the game last night?" and voilà, crisis averted.  So my advice to anyone who considers him or herself an awkward conversationalist: start watching baseball (or any sport for that matter). You’ll be surprised how quickly you will emerge from your socially awkward shell.  

Happy 38th Birthday Mike Lowell!

Tomorrow, February 24, is Mike Lowell's birthday and although he has been out of baseball for over a year, I refuse to stop celebrating what should be a national holiday. Why do I love Mikey so much?  His story can warm the heart of even the most cold-blooded Yankees fan. He is a cancer survivor who hit rock bottom with the Marlins, rebounded in Boston, became a World Series MVP and won over the hearts of baseball’s most critical fans. Not to mention he is just a stand up guy. After the 2007 season, in which he won the World Series MVP award, he took less money to stay, and eventually finish his career, with the Red Sox. And let's not forget that he was a leader and positive influence in the clubhouse.  I mean, look what happened to the Red Sox the season after he left (I really need to stop bringing this up). I could go on, but I’d rather let Mike do the talking (and dancing). So feel free to take off work, sit back, relax and watch Mike Lowell at his best.

Let’s start with a recent video:  Mike Lowell was looking good on Dan LeBatard is Highly Questionable about a month ago and although I find Dan LeBatard slightly annoying, his father is hilarious and Mike Lowell makes anything worth watching. 

He is bilingual (his parents are Cuban and he was born in Puerto Rico)

He can dance!

Plus: Matt Damon’s nephews think Mike Lowell is George Clooney 

Please, George Clooney wishes...

My Offseason Musings

I realize it has been a while since my last post, but I took my out frustrations over last year's baseball season on this blog.  I was so unhappy with the Red Sox that I feared what I might write.  I thought, better just leave it alone until 2012.  Now here we are, mid-February, with the promise of a new season warming the hearts of baseball fans everywhere (unless they root for the Mets). This off-season saw a lot of changes throughout baseball, but I want to focus on my team, the Boston Red Sox.

So Long Tito

This one hurt.  Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about Terry Francona. And if you don't know me? I love Tito. I think he is a great manager and an even better person.  So yes, I was upset for a while after Tito resigned.  I may or may not have cried to Adele's Somone Like You throughout the entire month of November.  

Tito, we'll always have Spring Training 2010

where I stared at you all game and took 80 pictures just like the one posted above

And what made matters worse was the Red Sox hired Bobby Valentine.  Yes, he is a no-nonsense type of guy, which is exactly what the Red Sox need after last season's beer and fried chicken debacle.  But after listening to Valentine on Baseball Tonight and Sunday Night Baseball, I just don't agree with anything he says.  I was pushing for Dale Sveum for Red Sox manager, but former Red Sox GM Theo Epstein snatched him up for the Cubs.

Which leads me to my next topic...

Ben Cherington

Maybe I need to give him more of a chance, but I am not too thrilled about any of Ben Cherington's offseason moves.  I am happy he didn't even try to re-sign Jonathan Papelbon ($50 million is a ridiculous amount of money), but between signing Bobby Valentine and trading Josh Reddick, I just don't know what he is thinking.  Josh Reddick was the first prospect I ever "discovered."  Usually I become a fan of a player once he makes it to the Majors, but after going to Spring Training a few years ago and seeing Reddick play, I knew he was something special.  I followed him through the Minors, rooted for him (and his nerd goggles) when was called up to the Red Sox and truly thought he was the right fielder of the future.  

Josh Reddick and his nerd goggles

The worst part about the Reddick trade is that Cherington arranged it so he could acquire closer Andrew Bailey from the Oakland Athletics.  

Which leads me to my final point...

To Close or Not To Close, That Is The Question

Whether or not The Bard (Daniel Bard, that is) should be the Red Sox closer was a topic of hot debate this offseason.  Personally, I think the decision to put Bard in the starting rotation is the wrong one.  A set-up guy and a closer can get away with two pitches, but a starter?  No way.  

Does this guy look like a starting pitcher to you?  

Bard is going to need to develop a third pitch if he is going to be an effective starting pitcher.  He is also going to have to ease up on his fastball.  Throwing 98 MPH for an inning is one thing, but to throw that consistently and effectively over 7 innings is highly unlikely.  Besides, you need to do more than throw hard to be a starter.  Batters will time your pitches by their second or third at-bats, that's why movement and multiple pitches are more important for a starter than overall speed.  Also, Bard has no experience as a starting pitcher.  CJ Wilson was a reliever who made the transition to the starting rotation, but he was also a starter in the Minor Leagues and Bard was not.  I may eat my words come September, but if you ask me Bard should be in the bullpen, not the starting rotation.

So this is my rant about the Red Sox tumultuous offseason. Hopefully the 2012 season will prove to be a good one for the Sox, and baseball in general. 

Until next time...

I Mustache You a Question: Who Has the Best Facial Hair in the MLB?

Anyone who knows me knows that I like beards, and facial hair in general.  If I see someone with an awesome beard walking down the street, I will never not comment on it.  However, facial hair can go terribly wrong, and many times in Major League Baseball, it does.  So I am listing the best and worst beards (and mustaches) currently in baseball.  A lot of research went into this post (and by a lot of research went into this I mean absolutely no research went into this, I just watch way too much baseball).  So here we go...

The Best of the Best

OK, I am just going to get this out of the way now.  Brian Wilson's beard is fantastic, and has taken on a life of its own.  It has its own website and has launched Wilson to super stardom, which is good for us because we get hysterically awesome commercials like this one:

Johan Santana may be on the disabled list, but his beard is as healthy as ever.  I am not usually a fan of the goatee, but this one is just so well groomed and perfect.  So kudos to you Johan Santana, for knowing how to properly grow a goatee.

It is with a heavy heart that I include Jayson Werth's beard on this list.  Sadly, the National's right fielder shaved off his fantastic facial hair at the beginning of the 2011 season, but the beard will live on forever in my heart and the hearts of thousands of baseball fans across the country.

Carl Pavano is sporting a goatee for the 2011 season, but that is not what earned him a spot on my list.  Instead, it is the mustache that some deemed a "porn stash," which Pavano sported all last season, that places him here.  How, you ask, can such a simple mustache put Carl Pavano in the company of bearded greats like Brian Wilson and Jayson Werth?  Well, it is because most people would look downright creepy with that stache, and yet Pavano really pulls it off (or at least he does in my eyes).  So I believe he deserves some recognition for making the "porn stache" work, don't you?

Last but not least, Jason Varitek's simple stubble earns him a spot on my list.  If you look up the word beard in the dictionary, this picture will be there.  The beard is just full enough and perfectly groomed.  In my opinion, if you are looking to grow facial hair, model it after Tek's beard.

The Worst of the Worst

Cubs pitcher Chad Gaudin's beard is one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen. Did he use a ruler to create that straight line of facial hair?  Maybe he should use said ruler to measure the length of his beard...and then seriously consider shaving it.

Both these men, Diamondbacks pitcher Clay Zavada (left) and Brewers closer Josh Axford (right) seem to be channeling the facial hair of famous relief pitcher Rollie Fingers.  I hate to break it to them, but Rollie is the only one who can pull off the evil villain stache.

No one may ever know what relief pitcher Ryan Franklin was thinking when he grew this unkempt mess of chin hair, but one thing is for certain, it needs to go.  The facial hair does not look bad on him, but the beard definitely needs to be trimmed.

It kills me to say this because my love for Tim Lincecum is unyielding, but the mustache he grew during the offseason does not look good on him.  Maybe Tim was jealous of fellow teammate Brian Wilson's epic beard, so he decided to grow some facial hair of his own.  Well sorry Timmy, you may have been blessed with the ability to throw a wicked change-up, but you cannot grow a mustache.  Fortunately, Tim showed up to Spring Training sans facial hair.  When asked where his mustache went, Lincecum responded, "My dog licked it off."  That's one smart dog.

Lastly...I am not trying to hate on the Yankees here, but they all have the worst facial hair because they are not allowed to grow any!  (OK, they can grow facial hair above the lip, but beards are way more fun than mustaches, so its still disappointing).  Nick Swisher could still look like this and Johnny Damon would still be a caveman if the Bronx Bombers allowed bearded ballplayers.  So boo to the Yankees ownership for not allowing players to grow facial hair.

Honorable Mention

How could I not include Scott Spiezio and his infamous, red...what would you call this...a landing strip?  I don't know whether I love the beard (and I use that term rather loosely) or hate it, so I cheated and placed it in honorable mentions.  I am not a fan of the "landing strip" look, but he dyed it to match his team's colors, so that earns Scott some major points in my book.  Another reason Spiezio is only on the honorable mentions list?  Right now he is in the Atlanta Braves Minor League system.  I decided to only put current Major League players on my best and worst list, but Spiezio's facial hair is too great/bad to ignore.

Astros pitcher Brett Myers is another person who I was on the fence about.  His beard is a mixture of awesome and awful and I just cannot decide which list to place him on.  So once again, I am taking the easy way out and placing him on my honorable mentions list.

What do you guys think?  Are there people who should have made this list but didn't?  Is there someone on the "Best of the Best List" that should be on the "Worst of the Worst" list or vice versa?  Let me know! 

Good Morning Baltimore

Back in early March I applied for the MLB dream job, and part of the application process was an essay about what I thought would be the biggest storyline of the 2011 baseball season.  Well, I didn't get the job (no surprise there) but with the Orioles playing the way they are 9 games into the season, I am pretty happy with the essay I wrote.  Here is what I said on March 3rd:

"With every new baseball season, there is one standout team that defies expectations, makes headlines, and steals the show.  A few years ago that team was the Tampa Bay Rays, and last year it was the San Francisco Giants.  This year, I believe that team will be the Baltimore Orioles.  That’s right, not the Phillies, not the Red Sox, but the Orioles, and here are my reasons why: 

Last August the Orioles fired their skipper, and replaced interim manager Juan Samuel with experienced manager Buck Showalter.  Showalter is a two-time American League Manager of the Year winner who has made a career of fixing broken teams.  He managed the Yankees through disarray in the early 1990s and the team won the World Series the year after he left.  Showalter then went on to manage a new expansion team, the Arizona Diamondbacks, and that team also went on to win the World Series the year after Buck left.  While Showalter was not physically present in the dugout for either team’s World Series win, it was his hard work and motivating managerial techniques that got the Yankees and the Diamondbacks their titles.  Just last year, when Showalter joined the Orioles on August 3rd, the team went from a losing record of 32-73, to finish off the season with a 34-23 stint.  The mere presence of Buck Showalter in the dugout improved the Orioles’ game dramatically.  This season Buck will be with the Orioles from the very beginning, and as a result we will see some exciting baseball played in Camden Yards for the first time in over a decade. 

Buck Showalter

While Showalter is a fantastic manager, he alone cannot make the Orioles stand out in 2011.  The team already had some talent in the likes of Nick Markakis and Brian Roberts, but the offseason signings of big bats like Vladimir Guerrero and Derrek Lee are going to help Baltimore offensively.  Furthermore, parting with Ty Wigginton at third base was an improvement in and of itself, but the addition of a hopefully healthy Mark Reynolds will help the Orioles both at the plate and in the field.  Lastly, a young pitching staff does not necessarily translate to a bad pitching staff, and with a rotation lead by Brian Matusz, the Orioles are not going down without a fight. 

Will the Baltimore Orioles be our 2011 World Series Champions?  Definitely not.  Will the team even make the playoffs?  Probably not.  However, with Buck Showalter at the helm combined with a balance of fresh young talent and skilled veterans, the Orioles will not only have their first winning season since 1997, but they will do so in a way that will catch the attention of the baseball community."  

Now I know the season is only two weeks old, but the Orioles are in first place in the AL East and delivered the undefeated Texas Rangers their first loss.  Like I said, I do not believe the Orioles are going to be our 2011 World Series Champions, and I highly doubt they will make the playoffs, but I am confident that for the first time since 1997, the Orioles will be a threat and a contender in the American League's loaded Eastern Division.

Baseball's Back!

Opening weekend of the 2011 baseball season is drawing to a close and you know its early in the season because games are postponed due to snow!  


As a Red Sox fan, I am not exactly thrilled with the way this season has begun.  With all the hype surrounding the Red Sox offense throughout the offseason and spring training, I was not expecting my team to get swept by the defending American League Champion Texas Rangers.  However, run production was not the obstacle facing the Red Sox in their first series of 2011.  The Sox scored 11 runs in their first three games, but gave up 26 runs, including 11 home runs, to the Rangers.  Ian Kinsler, the Rangers' starting second baseman, and professional James Franco look-a-like, hit a home run in each game of the series, including one in his first at-bat of the season.       

Not James Franco

                                                        
The Red Sox pitchers need to step up, hit their spots, and not throw the ball right down the middle of the plate.  Also, if you ask me (and no one is, but when has that ever stopped me from voicing my opinion) the Red Sox rotation should be as follows: Jon Lester, Clay Buchholz, Josh Beckett, John Lackey, and Daisuke Matsuzaka.  I don't care that Beckett and Lackey have more experience than Lester and Buccholz, at this point the veterans are not pitching well, and that needs to be reflected in the rotation.  Also, I am sick of Jonathan Papelbon.  I'm sorry, but I am.  At first I put up with his ridiculous stare down to home plate and the five hours (literally) he takes between pitches because he got the job done and ended the game.  Now, however, Papelbon seems incapable of ending a game without making it exciting.  Today, he gave up a run and loaded the bases before striking out the side and he does not seem to be as effective as he used to be.  Maybe this will correct itself as the season goes on, but if not, the Red Sox seriously need to consider using the hard-throwing Daniel Bard as their every day closer.  Lastly, Carl Crawford has been off to a not quite abysmal, but also not so great start, in his first year with the Sox.  This season he is 2-9 with one RBI, and went 0-7 in his first two games.  Crawford will not go through the entire season with a .200 batting average, and will no doubt step up to the plate (as usual, pun intended) and live up to everyone's expectations.  All in all, I am not too worried about the Red Sox, and have confidence that they will make the playoffs this season.  After all, its a long season and there are still 159 undoubtedly exciting games left to be played.


In other opening weekend news, I found the following three extremely different stories to be equally and incredibly intriguing.  


First, after the Dodgers home opener against the Giants, a Giants fan was beaten by two Dodgers fans and is now in a medically induced coma.  The man, a father of two, is said to be in critical condition.  Stories like this are incredibly disheartening.  While rivalries are fun (and the Dodgers and Giants have a great one) baseball is just a game and there is no reason for the violence that took place last Thursday.


Changing gears, while reading the sports section of the New York Times today, I spotted a story that caught my eye.  Everyone who knows me knows that I love mountain climbing, so when I saw that R.A. Dickey is planning to climb Mount Kilimanjaro this offseason, my first thought was "COOL!" and my second thought was, "is he contractually allowed to do that?"  Well, Dickey scoured his contract and found that mountain climbing is a-okay, so he is going to climb the highest peak in Africa this January.  Part of me thinks this is awesome, but the other part thinks, if I work in the Mets' front office or root for the team, I don't want the man who is emerging as the Mets best pitcher to climb an almost 20,000 foot mountain just a month before pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training.  It seems, however, that Dickey is going to climb the mountain, so one can only hope that he is accompanied by a team of people who can keep him free of the many illnesses that can plague a Kilimanjaro hiker.  


While we are on the topic of the New York Mets, an SportsNet New York (SNY) employee played this Family Guy clip over Gary Cohen on the Mets postgame show after the team lost on opening day.  Apparently SNY executives were not very happy, and you can see why:

All in all it has been an eventful start to the 2011 season and I cannot wait to see how it all unfolds.

Guess What Everyone? I'm Not Crazy...

For the past few years I have been arguing that Terry Francona, the Red Sox manager, looks like actor Shia LaBeouf.  My theory is that 25 years from now, Shia will look like Terry Francona looks at 50.  And the similarities do not stop at looks, both men have similar mannerisms and the same deep voice.  After trying and failing to prove my point, I decided to look up a picture of a young Terry Francona and compare it to one of Shia LaBeouf.  The results?

                                                                                         

As you can see, they could be brothers!  I was able to convince some of my friends that young Terry is Shia's doppelganger, and vice versa, but I still thought I was crazy until my friend Nicole posted the following link on my facebook page today:

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/0812/athlete.lookalikes.fan.submissions/content.8.html

It is a link to a Sports Illustrated look-a-like post that includes this picture:

The joy I felt in knowing that at least one other person on the planet can look at a 50 year old Terry Francona and see a 24 year old Shia LaBeouf is indescribable, and while the title of this post may be a bit of an exaggeration, at least I am a little less crazy than I was yesterday! 

Now, when a movie about the 2004 Red Sox is inevitably made, I say cast Shia as the Red Sox skipper.  Its the role he was born to play!

And while we're at it, let's pretend that age is not a factor and cast some other celebrities as 2004 Red Sox. 

Red Sox left fielder Manny Ramirez will be played by Counting Crows frontman Adam Duritz

                                                                                 

Red Sox center fielder Johnny Damon will be played by Bill and Ted actor Keanu Reeves



 Red Sox first baseman Kevin Millar will be played by Matthew McConaughey, not so much because they look alike, but because if anyone can pull off Millar's crazy cowboy persona, its the man who lives in a trailer.                                                

                                                                                                                                                  

Well, that's all I've got for now.  Any casting suggestions?  Let me know!