I Mustache You a Question: Who Has the Best Facial Hair in the MLB?

Anyone who knows me knows that I like beards, and facial hair in general.  If I see someone with an awesome beard walking down the street, I will never not comment on it.  However, facial hair can go terribly wrong, and many times in Major League Baseball, it does.  So I am listing the best and worst beards (and mustaches) currently in baseball.  A lot of research went into this post (and by a lot of research went into this I mean absolutely no research went into this, I just watch way too much baseball).  So here we go...

The Best of the Best

OK, I am just going to get this out of the way now.  Brian Wilson's beard is fantastic, and has taken on a life of its own.  It has its own website and has launched Wilson to super stardom, which is good for us because we get hysterically awesome commercials like this one:

Johan Santana may be on the disabled list, but his beard is as healthy as ever.  I am not usually a fan of the goatee, but this one is just so well groomed and perfect.  So kudos to you Johan Santana, for knowing how to properly grow a goatee.

It is with a heavy heart that I include Jayson Werth's beard on this list.  Sadly, the National's right fielder shaved off his fantastic facial hair at the beginning of the 2011 season, but the beard will live on forever in my heart and the hearts of thousands of baseball fans across the country.

Carl Pavano is sporting a goatee for the 2011 season, but that is not what earned him a spot on my list.  Instead, it is the mustache that some deemed a "porn stash," which Pavano sported all last season, that places him here.  How, you ask, can such a simple mustache put Carl Pavano in the company of bearded greats like Brian Wilson and Jayson Werth?  Well, it is because most people would look downright creepy with that stache, and yet Pavano really pulls it off (or at least he does in my eyes).  So I believe he deserves some recognition for making the "porn stache" work, don't you?

Last but not least, Jason Varitek's simple stubble earns him a spot on my list.  If you look up the word beard in the dictionary, this picture will be there.  The beard is just full enough and perfectly groomed.  In my opinion, if you are looking to grow facial hair, model it after Tek's beard.

The Worst of the Worst

Cubs pitcher Chad Gaudin's beard is one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen. Did he use a ruler to create that straight line of facial hair?  Maybe he should use said ruler to measure the length of his beard...and then seriously consider shaving it.

Both these men, Diamondbacks pitcher Clay Zavada (left) and Brewers closer Josh Axford (right) seem to be channeling the facial hair of famous relief pitcher Rollie Fingers.  I hate to break it to them, but Rollie is the only one who can pull off the evil villain stache.

No one may ever know what relief pitcher Ryan Franklin was thinking when he grew this unkempt mess of chin hair, but one thing is for certain, it needs to go.  The facial hair does not look bad on him, but the beard definitely needs to be trimmed.

It kills me to say this because my love for Tim Lincecum is unyielding, but the mustache he grew during the offseason does not look good on him.  Maybe Tim was jealous of fellow teammate Brian Wilson's epic beard, so he decided to grow some facial hair of his own.  Well sorry Timmy, you may have been blessed with the ability to throw a wicked change-up, but you cannot grow a mustache.  Fortunately, Tim showed up to Spring Training sans facial hair.  When asked where his mustache went, Lincecum responded, "My dog licked it off."  That's one smart dog.

Lastly...I am not trying to hate on the Yankees here, but they all have the worst facial hair because they are not allowed to grow any!  (OK, they can grow facial hair above the lip, but beards are way more fun than mustaches, so its still disappointing).  Nick Swisher could still look like this and Johnny Damon would still be a caveman if the Bronx Bombers allowed bearded ballplayers.  So boo to the Yankees ownership for not allowing players to grow facial hair.

Honorable Mention

How could I not include Scott Spiezio and his infamous, red...what would you call this...a landing strip?  I don't know whether I love the beard (and I use that term rather loosely) or hate it, so I cheated and placed it in honorable mentions.  I am not a fan of the "landing strip" look, but he dyed it to match his team's colors, so that earns Scott some major points in my book.  Another reason Spiezio is only on the honorable mentions list?  Right now he is in the Atlanta Braves Minor League system.  I decided to only put current Major League players on my best and worst list, but Spiezio's facial hair is too great/bad to ignore.

Astros pitcher Brett Myers is another person who I was on the fence about.  His beard is a mixture of awesome and awful and I just cannot decide which list to place him on.  So once again, I am taking the easy way out and placing him on my honorable mentions list.

What do you guys think?  Are there people who should have made this list but didn't?  Is there someone on the "Best of the Best List" that should be on the "Worst of the Worst" list or vice versa?  Let me know!