I Mustache You a Question: Who Has the Best Facial Hair in the MLB?

Anyone who knows me knows that I like beards, and facial hair in general.  If I see someone with an awesome beard walking down the street, I will never not comment on it.  However, facial hair can go terribly wrong, and many times in Major League Baseball, it does.  So I am listing the best and worst beards (and mustaches) currently in baseball.  A lot of research went into this post (and by a lot of research went into this I mean absolutely no research went into this, I just watch way too much baseball).  So here we go...

The Best of the Best

OK, I am just going to get this out of the way now.  Brian Wilson's beard is fantastic, and has taken on a life of its own.  It has its own website and has launched Wilson to super stardom, which is good for us because we get hysterically awesome commercials like this one:

Johan Santana may be on the disabled list, but his beard is as healthy as ever.  I am not usually a fan of the goatee, but this one is just so well groomed and perfect.  So kudos to you Johan Santana, for knowing how to properly grow a goatee.

It is with a heavy heart that I include Jayson Werth's beard on this list.  Sadly, the National's right fielder shaved off his fantastic facial hair at the beginning of the 2011 season, but the beard will live on forever in my heart and the hearts of thousands of baseball fans across the country.

Carl Pavano is sporting a goatee for the 2011 season, but that is not what earned him a spot on my list.  Instead, it is the mustache that some deemed a "porn stash," which Pavano sported all last season, that places him here.  How, you ask, can such a simple mustache put Carl Pavano in the company of bearded greats like Brian Wilson and Jayson Werth?  Well, it is because most people would look downright creepy with that stache, and yet Pavano really pulls it off (or at least he does in my eyes).  So I believe he deserves some recognition for making the "porn stache" work, don't you?

Last but not least, Jason Varitek's simple stubble earns him a spot on my list.  If you look up the word beard in the dictionary, this picture will be there.  The beard is just full enough and perfectly groomed.  In my opinion, if you are looking to grow facial hair, model it after Tek's beard.

The Worst of the Worst

Cubs pitcher Chad Gaudin's beard is one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen. Did he use a ruler to create that straight line of facial hair?  Maybe he should use said ruler to measure the length of his beard...and then seriously consider shaving it.

Both these men, Diamondbacks pitcher Clay Zavada (left) and Brewers closer Josh Axford (right) seem to be channeling the facial hair of famous relief pitcher Rollie Fingers.  I hate to break it to them, but Rollie is the only one who can pull off the evil villain stache.

No one may ever know what relief pitcher Ryan Franklin was thinking when he grew this unkempt mess of chin hair, but one thing is for certain, it needs to go.  The facial hair does not look bad on him, but the beard definitely needs to be trimmed.

It kills me to say this because my love for Tim Lincecum is unyielding, but the mustache he grew during the offseason does not look good on him.  Maybe Tim was jealous of fellow teammate Brian Wilson's epic beard, so he decided to grow some facial hair of his own.  Well sorry Timmy, you may have been blessed with the ability to throw a wicked change-up, but you cannot grow a mustache.  Fortunately, Tim showed up to Spring Training sans facial hair.  When asked where his mustache went, Lincecum responded, "My dog licked it off."  That's one smart dog.

Lastly...I am not trying to hate on the Yankees here, but they all have the worst facial hair because they are not allowed to grow any!  (OK, they can grow facial hair above the lip, but beards are way more fun than mustaches, so its still disappointing).  Nick Swisher could still look like this and Johnny Damon would still be a caveman if the Bronx Bombers allowed bearded ballplayers.  So boo to the Yankees ownership for not allowing players to grow facial hair.

Honorable Mention

How could I not include Scott Spiezio and his infamous, red...what would you call this...a landing strip?  I don't know whether I love the beard (and I use that term rather loosely) or hate it, so I cheated and placed it in honorable mentions.  I am not a fan of the "landing strip" look, but he dyed it to match his team's colors, so that earns Scott some major points in my book.  Another reason Spiezio is only on the honorable mentions list?  Right now he is in the Atlanta Braves Minor League system.  I decided to only put current Major League players on my best and worst list, but Spiezio's facial hair is too great/bad to ignore.

Astros pitcher Brett Myers is another person who I was on the fence about.  His beard is a mixture of awesome and awful and I just cannot decide which list to place him on.  So once again, I am taking the easy way out and placing him on my honorable mentions list.

What do you guys think?  Are there people who should have made this list but didn't?  Is there someone on the "Best of the Best List" that should be on the "Worst of the Worst" list or vice versa?  Let me know! 

Good Morning Baltimore

Back in early March I applied for the MLB dream job, and part of the application process was an essay about what I thought would be the biggest storyline of the 2011 baseball season.  Well, I didn't get the job (no surprise there) but with the Orioles playing the way they are 9 games into the season, I am pretty happy with the essay I wrote.  Here is what I said on March 3rd:

"With every new baseball season, there is one standout team that defies expectations, makes headlines, and steals the show.  A few years ago that team was the Tampa Bay Rays, and last year it was the San Francisco Giants.  This year, I believe that team will be the Baltimore Orioles.  That’s right, not the Phillies, not the Red Sox, but the Orioles, and here are my reasons why: 

Last August the Orioles fired their skipper, and replaced interim manager Juan Samuel with experienced manager Buck Showalter.  Showalter is a two-time American League Manager of the Year winner who has made a career of fixing broken teams.  He managed the Yankees through disarray in the early 1990s and the team won the World Series the year after he left.  Showalter then went on to manage a new expansion team, the Arizona Diamondbacks, and that team also went on to win the World Series the year after Buck left.  While Showalter was not physically present in the dugout for either team’s World Series win, it was his hard work and motivating managerial techniques that got the Yankees and the Diamondbacks their titles.  Just last year, when Showalter joined the Orioles on August 3rd, the team went from a losing record of 32-73, to finish off the season with a 34-23 stint.  The mere presence of Buck Showalter in the dugout improved the Orioles’ game dramatically.  This season Buck will be with the Orioles from the very beginning, and as a result we will see some exciting baseball played in Camden Yards for the first time in over a decade. 

Buck Showalter

While Showalter is a fantastic manager, he alone cannot make the Orioles stand out in 2011.  The team already had some talent in the likes of Nick Markakis and Brian Roberts, but the offseason signings of big bats like Vladimir Guerrero and Derrek Lee are going to help Baltimore offensively.  Furthermore, parting with Ty Wigginton at third base was an improvement in and of itself, but the addition of a hopefully healthy Mark Reynolds will help the Orioles both at the plate and in the field.  Lastly, a young pitching staff does not necessarily translate to a bad pitching staff, and with a rotation lead by Brian Matusz, the Orioles are not going down without a fight. 

Will the Baltimore Orioles be our 2011 World Series Champions?  Definitely not.  Will the team even make the playoffs?  Probably not.  However, with Buck Showalter at the helm combined with a balance of fresh young talent and skilled veterans, the Orioles will not only have their first winning season since 1997, but they will do so in a way that will catch the attention of the baseball community."  

Now I know the season is only two weeks old, but the Orioles are in first place in the AL East and delivered the undefeated Texas Rangers their first loss.  Like I said, I do not believe the Orioles are going to be our 2011 World Series Champions, and I highly doubt they will make the playoffs, but I am confident that for the first time since 1997, the Orioles will be a threat and a contender in the American League's loaded Eastern Division.

Baseball's Back!

Opening weekend of the 2011 baseball season is drawing to a close and you know its early in the season because games are postponed due to snow!  


As a Red Sox fan, I am not exactly thrilled with the way this season has begun.  With all the hype surrounding the Red Sox offense throughout the offseason and spring training, I was not expecting my team to get swept by the defending American League Champion Texas Rangers.  However, run production was not the obstacle facing the Red Sox in their first series of 2011.  The Sox scored 11 runs in their first three games, but gave up 26 runs, including 11 home runs, to the Rangers.  Ian Kinsler, the Rangers' starting second baseman, and professional James Franco look-a-like, hit a home run in each game of the series, including one in his first at-bat of the season.       

Not James Franco

                                                        
The Red Sox pitchers need to step up, hit their spots, and not throw the ball right down the middle of the plate.  Also, if you ask me (and no one is, but when has that ever stopped me from voicing my opinion) the Red Sox rotation should be as follows: Jon Lester, Clay Buchholz, Josh Beckett, John Lackey, and Daisuke Matsuzaka.  I don't care that Beckett and Lackey have more experience than Lester and Buccholz, at this point the veterans are not pitching well, and that needs to be reflected in the rotation.  Also, I am sick of Jonathan Papelbon.  I'm sorry, but I am.  At first I put up with his ridiculous stare down to home plate and the five hours (literally) he takes between pitches because he got the job done and ended the game.  Now, however, Papelbon seems incapable of ending a game without making it exciting.  Today, he gave up a run and loaded the bases before striking out the side and he does not seem to be as effective as he used to be.  Maybe this will correct itself as the season goes on, but if not, the Red Sox seriously need to consider using the hard-throwing Daniel Bard as their every day closer.  Lastly, Carl Crawford has been off to a not quite abysmal, but also not so great start, in his first year with the Sox.  This season he is 2-9 with one RBI, and went 0-7 in his first two games.  Crawford will not go through the entire season with a .200 batting average, and will no doubt step up to the plate (as usual, pun intended) and live up to everyone's expectations.  All in all, I am not too worried about the Red Sox, and have confidence that they will make the playoffs this season.  After all, its a long season and there are still 159 undoubtedly exciting games left to be played.


In other opening weekend news, I found the following three extremely different stories to be equally and incredibly intriguing.  


First, after the Dodgers home opener against the Giants, a Giants fan was beaten by two Dodgers fans and is now in a medically induced coma.  The man, a father of two, is said to be in critical condition.  Stories like this are incredibly disheartening.  While rivalries are fun (and the Dodgers and Giants have a great one) baseball is just a game and there is no reason for the violence that took place last Thursday.


Changing gears, while reading the sports section of the New York Times today, I spotted a story that caught my eye.  Everyone who knows me knows that I love mountain climbing, so when I saw that R.A. Dickey is planning to climb Mount Kilimanjaro this offseason, my first thought was "COOL!" and my second thought was, "is he contractually allowed to do that?"  Well, Dickey scoured his contract and found that mountain climbing is a-okay, so he is going to climb the highest peak in Africa this January.  Part of me thinks this is awesome, but the other part thinks, if I work in the Mets' front office or root for the team, I don't want the man who is emerging as the Mets best pitcher to climb an almost 20,000 foot mountain just a month before pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training.  It seems, however, that Dickey is going to climb the mountain, so one can only hope that he is accompanied by a team of people who can keep him free of the many illnesses that can plague a Kilimanjaro hiker.  


While we are on the topic of the New York Mets, an SportsNet New York (SNY) employee played this Family Guy clip over Gary Cohen on the Mets postgame show after the team lost on opening day.  Apparently SNY executives were not very happy, and you can see why:

All in all it has been an eventful start to the 2011 season and I cannot wait to see how it all unfolds.